I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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