I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
