dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just want to make out with him forever
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
