Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
