I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
