mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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