Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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