Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize