the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
