smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
