I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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