If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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