The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Go christen that room with your naked body.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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