My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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