What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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