I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
