Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
