birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
