note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize