I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
