I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My bed smells like the plague
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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