Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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