what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
