you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
