I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
