Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
