After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
