I could make wine with my vomit
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
