Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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