An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
