I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
not ubering you a puppy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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