sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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