my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
