Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize