flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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