Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
