She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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