Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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