hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I smell stomach acid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
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