from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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