you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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