wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
