I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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