My hair reeks of homosexuality.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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