woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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