I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
