You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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