I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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