Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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