i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
