I want to have your abortion
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
