mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
