if i can run in heels then i can drive
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize