Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
