I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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