the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
