Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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