Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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