are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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